The Art of Building Lasting Friendships in a Fast-Paced World
The Art of Building Lasting Friendships in a Fast-Paced World
“Let’s have a reunion in Africa!” I got a message in my WhatsApp group dedicated to people I attended school with in Mozambique ( South East Africa) ages ago. The joy was palpable as we planned our gathering in Maputo for June 2025. Our emotional connection remains despite not having seen many of these friends for 40 years. So much so that we are prepared to spend the money and plan a year ahead to go to travel thousands of miles to share some meals, hang out, and tell fun and sometimes embarrassing stories of your shared childhood.
Studies show that when we are about to draw our last breath, the only things that will matter to us are not achievements, possessions, status, or even contributions to the human race - we will only care about the people we love and who loved us back.
Other studies also show that it doesn’t matter if you are an introvert, extrovert, shy, or outgoing—you simply cannot thrive without deep friendships. A life with close friends can be happy when things are not going well, but a life without meaningful friendships can be miserable even when things are going well in other areas.
In the long run, the quality of our friends deeply affects our work, marriage, financial success, and fulfillment. In other words, show me who your friends are, and I will show you your future.
I have a whole module in my performance coaching program dedicated to nurturing life-giving friendships that amplify and enhance all other areas of life. We also focus on building community and friendships as a big part of the “secret sauce” for success.
The percentage of Americans who say they have fewer than three close friends has doubled since 1990. Part of the reason is that it’s easier than ever to imagine not being alone, thanks to instant access to social media, Zoom, and virtual work.
When we forget how to build friendships, we miss out on a fuller, happier, and more impactful life, both personally and professionally. It’s a steep price to pay.
Beyond the basic rationalizations I hear people make, the most prevalent obstacles to developing life-giving friendships are:
Introversion or shyness: probably the most often mentioned reason. You may not become a social butterfly, but please develop this skill. It is, actually, a skill. You will thank me later.
Deal friends, not real friends: if work is your life, you will probably end up with mostly deal friends and few real friends. You will be bitterly disappointed in life if this is your current situation. Remember this: your real friends are not necessarily your actual friends.
Hyperfocus on beliefs: if your political, business, religious, or other views prevent you from having close relationships with people with different views, congratulations - you’re in a silo where groupthink is the norm. Good luck learning and growing in a vacuum.
Spouses not being friends: Contrary to almost every romcom you’ve seen, romantic love doesn’t always automatically evolve into a deep friendship. If a stagnant marriage or divorce are unacceptable options - be healed of the naive notion that joyful companionship can happen without a whole lot of work put in over the years.
Friendships without in-person contact: technology can only do so much to deepen friendships. Invest time, emotional energy, and money into in-person connections with friends. Of course, you can maintain old friendships this way and love catching up with friends like I am with my buddies at our class reunion, but real-time, in-person, life-on-life, heart-on-heart friendships are where the gold is. They will help you build a great future.
Here’s the brutal truth. A great marriage cannot just effortlessly come about, nor do meaningful friendships. Building friendships is hard work but essential for your happiness, health, wealth, and longevity. It’s not optional if you want to thrive.
I’ve invested over a decade into nurturing my immediate circle of friends. They are my treasure and the source of joy, love, wisdom, and guidance. They have consoled me when I am sad, encouraged me to reach for the stars, and kept me from making mistakes I would have made if it weren’t for them.
I am hosting a free webinar with actionable strategies and practices to build healthy friendships on Saturday, September 14th, at 12:00 CST. Spots are limited. If this post resonated with you, I promise you’ll get a lot out of this webinar.
What I’m reading: Build the Life You Want by Dr. Arthur C. Brooks and Oprah Winfrey. Arthur is one of my favorite experts in the art of Happiness, and of course, Oprah is…Oprah. They teamed up to write a well-rounded, science-based guide to success in life.
What you may enjoy: Dr. Tal Ben Shahar is another leading expert in Happiness and the founder of the first Happiness Studies Academy. I interviewed him on my podcast, and it’s one of my favorite episodes. Check out my conversation with Tal here.